Taking care of yourself
Generally, parents who adapt well to a divorce or separation are more likely to have children who adapt well. In other words, relatively happy and well adjusted parents make for happier and better adjusted children, regardless of whether or not they remain married.Taking care of yourself is not easy to do because all divorces and separations are stressful and the situation is often extremely difficult for one or both parents. There is more to do around the house. The absence of a second parent increases the burden of always being available for the children. Divorce and separation increase the risk of important personal problems such as depression and alcohol abuse. The parent who does not live with the children must adapt to living away from them. This often results in a feeling of being cut out of the children's lives and no longer having any responsibility about what is happening to them. After separation, it is common to experience feelings of rejection and abandonment, anger and deception, particularly in the early stages. In fact, it is common to have a lot of troubles during the first two years, and for many parents it takes a while before they feel ready to invest in a new relationship.
More demands may be placed upon children after a separation - they may have to do more domestic chores, an older child may have to spend more time taking care of younger ones, and children may become more involved in family decisions. These new responsibilities can have positive effects - for example, allowing children to adopt more mature attitudes - but parents must take care to adjust their expectations to the maturity and age levels of their children.
It is important not to use a child as a primary confidant with whom you discuss adult matters. It is best to find other adults in whom to confide your problems, and to spare your children the added burden of having to give you consolation or advice and to worry about your troubles. This is not to say that you should hide all your problems and pretend that everything is alright. Children can understand that you are troubled, even if you try to hide your problems. However, you should find adults to help you figure out how to deal with your problems and to provide primary emotional support.
Sometimes after a divorce, good friends and family members keep their distance. This may simply be because they are ill at ease and do not know how to react. In these situations it may be useful to clearly tell them how they can be helpful. For example, you might suggest that they could baby-sit the children, prepare meals, lend you some money, or simply listen to your problems and offer a shoulder to cry on. It is important not to be shy and to request and accept help offered from family and friends. If things are really not going well, consulting a therapist or getting involved in a self-help group or stress management course may help.
Very often, separations imply a decrease in revenue. In order to live through the first years of the divorce with less stress, it may be useful to ask for help from family or request help from community resources early on. In general, poverty is another important risk factor for children developing problems, whether or not the poverty is related to a separation or divorce.
(Written by Sarah Dufour, Ph.D and Brian L. Mishara, Ph.D)