Children's reactions to divorce and separation

Immediately after a divorce or separation, it is common for children's behaviour to change. You should expect some changes in how your children behave and how they feel, but how they react immediately after the separation does not necessarily predict how they will adjust to the situation several years later. Some children have intense immediate reactions but adapt very well later on, whereas others seem to be less affected immediately after the separation but do not seem to get over it even years later.

Children of all ages can have a variety of reactions, and the age at which the divorce or separation occurs is not related to whether or not the child will adjust well to the situation. Long-term adjustment to the new situation depends upon how the transition is handled and the quality of the relationships with the parents afterwards. Although boys usually have more difficulties than girls adapting immediately after a divorce or separation, they do not necessarily have more negative long-term consequences.

It is important to bear in mind that children often experience a mix of seemingly contradictory feelings, including sadness, anger, fear, guilt and confusion. For example, a few weeks after their separation, James' parents felt that they no longer recognized their son. He was often in a bad mood, and appeared to overreact to the slightest problem. His teacher reported that he was creating disturbances in the class, fighting with other children during the recreation period and rarely finishing his work. Although such a dramatic change worried his parents immensely, it is not uncommon, particularly for boys, and does not mean that James will always be this way.

Aggression and behavioural problems are common after separation. Children often experience difficulties in their relationships, such as ignoring friends. Their grades may decline and parents may feel overwhelmed, guilty about having caused these problems, angry at their child's behaviour, concerned about his or her future or just plain confused about what to do. Such reactions by parents are also typical.

In this example, James' younger sister, Julie, had a very different reaction. She had trouble sleeping, lost interest in playing her favourite games, and constantly wanted her mother to pick her up and hug her. Some children react to separation by becoming more irritable, or more timid and less sociable. Some feel anxious, withdraw and seem depressed. In general, children who were 'difficult' before the separation become more irritable and have more problems afterwards.

Understanding that all these reactions are normal is the first step in helping your children adapt. Parents often feel responsible for the problems, and such feelings of guilt may make it harder for them to see clearly what to do. It is important to realize that, even if the immediate reactions seem extreme, most parents and children eventually adapt well to their new situation.

But it does take time, and research shows that it is not unusual for children to have negative reactions for up to one or two years after the separation. Some children may have persistent long-term effects. However, the risk of long-term effects can be minimized by appropriate reactions and help from parents.

(Written by Sarah Dufour, Ph.D and Brian L. Mishara, Ph.D)